Where's the Rock?

I wanted to love Rock of Ages. I really, genuinely did. I am an unabashed lover of rock'n'roll music, and for me, theater is a way of life. To see the two combined onscreen was a dream come true - at least in concept. In delivery, not so much. What really disappoints about Rock of Ages is that in the maelstrom of misfires, there are some genuine rock'n'roll moments, some flashes of what the whole film could and should have been all about.

There's a saying that'll be familiar to anyone who works in and/or enjoys musical theater: when you have something to say, you speak. When you can't speak, you sing. Musicals are all about that chance to express things that we can't find the words to otherwise. In Rock of Ages, the vast majority of the characters have little or nothing to say, which makes their singing, in a word...pointless. Because many of these characters are so shallowly drawn (and frankly, unlikable caricatures), their singing lacks the raw, explosive emotional power that sits at the center of any good musical. Musicals are built around just that - the music, as extension of character and story. When both of these elements are as flimsy as they are here, it undercuts the music. 

Like me, you may have heard or read that the real reason to see this movie is Tom Cruise's turn as the Axl Rose-inspired rocker Stacee Jaxx. That's genuinely true. Jaxx has an odd obsession with feeling other people's heartbeats (these people are almost exclusively women), but what's interesting is that he alone is the heartbeat of this film. Why? Simple. Stacee Jaxx is the only real piece of genuine rock'n'roll in the entire movie. Every time he's onscreen, a wild energy comes with him that invigorates an otherwise furiously dull film.

Other performers in the film can sing and dance perfectly well, for sure. One thing this movie isn't short on is talented, pretty people. Julianne Hough in particular gives a game performance and supplies great vocals. 

Unfortunately there's not all that much here for the performers to work with. The movie is set in 1987, and for some counter-intuitive reason, it seems more interested in chronicling the decline of rock'n'roll than celebrating the fact that it will never die. Watching Rock of Ages will just make you want to come home and blast your favorite vinyl record on the turntable. But that's really not so bad, is it?